A close friend of mine once seemed wise. She was artsy, cute, and interesting. Suffice it to say I now refer to her as Voldemort, because she is both evil and is the root of a constant pain in my forehead.
This woman believes in guiding her life by pure imagination, so I created a fictional story to help you understand her ludicrous thoughts.
One Tuesday morning, I woke up in the realization that I had been struck with an extreme case of Ebola. Knowing that Voldemort had experience in healing wizardry, I politely knocked on her door across the hall in hopes of finding a cure to my terminal disease. She opened the door with the kind of smile a 13-year-old boy sees just before he gets molested by his ex-con 7th grade teacher. I nervously smiled back at her and said, “Hi, I hope I’m not interrupting anything but do you have anything that might lighten the load off my Ebola Virus? I think these poisonous boils on my face are about to leak.”
She excitedly replied with a yes and said, “I have just the thing! Come in!”
Ebola was apparently an easy feat for a magician of her caliber.
As I walked into Voldemort’s apartment, I glanced around at the floating books, recipes, and the assortment of creature limbs sitting in jars full of a murky, yellow liquid. It was really creepy. Before I got the chance to further dissect her hoarding habits, she immediately rushed to a nearby drawer and pulled out a journal. After flipping through about half of the pages, she pointed and said, “That’s the one!”
“Three frog legs, one wolf fang, and 17 feathers from an Austrian hen,” she said. “Mix it in a blender with 32mL of cobra blood and you got the cure to your Ebola.”
Oh, okay. Let me go to a nearby lagoon and gather some fucking cobra blood.
“Does this stuff work? Do you have any medicine?” I asked.
“Oh, I don’t believe in medicine. It is ignorant and a conspiracy. Trust me I’m a health expert,” she replied calmly as if there was nothing a bit cuckoo about what she had claimed.
Trust me you are borderline brain dead, I thought.
Health expert. She was a health expert with the ability to cure EBOLA, buuuuut she’s sitting in her apartment alone, unemployed, and broke. Considering half of Africa is still dying from incurable diseases, there are only two possibilities. Voldemort either truthfully believes in delusional healing witchcraft, or she is lying.
Science is ignorance and wolf fangs have magical healing powers. Wealthy healing wizards compose of three fourths of the 1%.
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