Windows (LOL) vs. Mac (trendy)

Before I delve into the battle between these two mechanical beasts, I want to inform you there will be no bias in this post, even though I am writing this on my Macbook. Also, if you own a Windows computer, do us all a favor and throw it out your nearest window.

Windows computers are like illegal immigrants, people only want them because they are cheaper and do tasks that no body wants to get paid to do. Apparently the computers aren’t trained for their positions either because they seem to be insecure about every decision at hand…

Are you sure you want to close this window?

Are you sure you want to install this computer-saving software?

Are you sure you want to look at this pornography?

When’s the last time I went to the search bar and typed “naked @$$ girls” and been like “Oh goodness me this isn’t the online application for Teach for America!”

And I know you’ve all seen this screen before. Why is that even a feature? I can imagine Bill Gates saying, “Yeah uhhh, when something happens that we can’t explain, let’s just make it go all blue. That definitely won’t be annoying for anyone.”

Also, I don’t think a windows computer has ever lasted in quality for longer than one year. It ALWAYS gets way slower than a brain-dead sloth and to fix it you either have to defrag your hard drive or re-install windows. Oh, and by the way both processes take 12 hours. Super short.

Finally to end my obviously unbiased opinion on Windows, has a printer on a Windows computer ever worked when you have needed it to? The answer is no. Let’s say you have your final thesis for graduate school done the night before it is due. You don’t have a printer so you have to use the Windows computer at the library the morning of the final class day. That printer will never work last minute. Never. Printers do not come out hard in the clutch. Always print the night before. Or, you will fail graduate school and head down a slippery slope of drug addiction and sex slaves.

There was a time Windows revolutionized the world. But it’s over. Now, the only reasons to own a Windows computer are if you can’t afford a Mac or if you’re into creating new software and skilled (nerdy) enough to tinker with the inner workings of your computer. Either way it isn’t your choice so I can’t blame you for it.

Mac’s are better for four reasons:

1) You can close a window whenever you F@#King want.

2) If you want to watch two girls eat poop from a cup, your Mac won’t stare back  in disappointment and ask if you are okay with your filthy decision.

3) They last infinite.

4) Printers work on them.

Get a Mac if you want to be trendy and fit in.

Rap Battle

I was at work yesterday and I had a sudden urge to challenge a small koala bear to a rap battle. I picked up the nearest iPhone (it was mine) and I started spittin’. Because of my extensive time spent visiting Africa and loitering around popular grocery stores, I was familiar with putting together beats. My dermatologist also recently informed me that my beard has a condition that forces it to curl, commonly found in African Americans. This information convinced me that I was born to spit. Although I have the best beats in the greater southwest region, the koala bear that I challenged was a worthy competitor. It was very comfortable with the English language and the sensitive issue of homosexuality.

Here is the battle:

Me:
Your rhymes are like grass,
They get chewed up and spit back out,
Are you wearing make up or do I see a snout
Oink oink says you
How many twinkies have you had today? Only two?
I can make you cry but I’ll stop right there
Next time you’re at subway, prolly wanna go rhye

Koala:
You tryna come up w sh**
But you just don’t got it

You’re rhymes are gay
Just like you, you only lay
Dudes becAuse
You like it in the butt

Yeah I said it
I don’t even regret it
I’ll say it again
You take it the pooper
But that’s ok.. So does
Your boyfriend cooper

Me:
Your scared to rap against me
I’m a lyrical wizard
You big fat chicken I can see your gizzard
Your dead, time to back off
Towards the light you go
you f**** moth
Your brains way too slow
I got something that can help
It’s called blow
Im bored Cuz You ain’t got no skills
Peace dog Netflix got season 1 of bear grylls

Koala:
It took you an hour
To come up w that beat

You got nothing on me
Now go n wipe that skeet
Off your face bc you lost
This lyrical race

I’m in class
Learning how to make money fast
So f*** off, and leave me alone
No matter how much you beg,
We will never bone

Me:
You’re right your lips are doing alotta flappin, but they aren’t on your mouth
You say you ain’t a slut
But that ain’t no truth
If you take it in the butt
Your an anal whore
HIV is easily preventable
A quick trip to the store
Guess that ship has sailed
All you wanted was some tail
Now you got aids and I don’t even care
I’d bang you… Nvmd your legs have way too much hair

It is unclear whether it is more sad that we rap battled via SMS for a solid 16 minutes, or that I may have lost to a koala bear.