I was at work yesterday and I had a sudden urge to challenge a small koala bear to a rap battle. I picked up the nearest iPhone (it was mine) and I started spittin’. Because of my extensive time spent visiting Africa and loitering around popular grocery stores, I was familiar with putting together beats. My dermatologist also recently informed me that my beard has a condition that forces it to curl, commonly found in African Americans. This information convinced me that I was born to spit. Although I have the best beats in the greater southwest region, the koala bear that I challenged was a worthy competitor. It was very comfortable with the English language and the sensitive issue of homosexuality.
Here is the battle:
Me:
Your rhymes are like grass,
They get chewed up and spit back out,
Are you wearing make up or do I see a snout
Oink oink says you
How many twinkies have you had today? Only two?
I can make you cry but I’ll stop right there
Next time you’re at subway, prolly wanna go rhye
Koala:
You tryna come up w sh**
But you just don’t got it
You’re rhymes are gay
Just like you, you only lay
Dudes becAuse
You like it in the butt
Yeah I said it
I don’t even regret it
I’ll say it again
You take it the pooper
But that’s ok.. So does
Your boyfriend cooper
Me:
Your scared to rap against me
I’m a lyrical wizard
You big fat chicken I can see your gizzard
Your dead, time to back off
Towards the light you go
you f**** moth
Your brains way too slow
I got something that can help
It’s called blow
Im bored Cuz You ain’t got no skills
Peace dog Netflix got season 1 of bear grylls
Koala:
It took you an hour
To come up w that beat
You got nothing on me
Now go n wipe that skeet
Off your face bc you lost
This lyrical race
I’m in class
Learning how to make money fast
So f*** off, and leave me alone
No matter how much you beg,
We will never bone
Me:
You’re right your lips are doing alotta flappin, but they aren’t on your mouth
You say you ain’t a slut
But that ain’t no truth
If you take it in the butt
Your an anal whore
HIV is easily preventable
A quick trip to the store
Guess that ship has sailed
All you wanted was some tail
Now you got aids and I don’t even care
I’d bang you… Nvmd your legs have way too much hair
It is unclear whether it is more sad that we rap battled via SMS for a solid 16 minutes, or that I may have lost to a koala bear.
Snipplery 